This post is something that I have always dreamed that someday I would be able to write to be able to tell my story. Finally, here it is, my true lesbian story. This one has been a long time in the making. LOL!
Growing up a Tomboy, in the 1970s, I was lucky enough to have a pretty great childhood. I spent most of my life, doing my best to be just who I was. Not letting what other girls my age were doing, or wearing deter me from being myself. I was fortunate to be friends with girls and boys.
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When did I know
I have to say this is the question that every single personal asks me when they find out that I am a lesbian. I think people honestly believe that you are sitting there one day and a light bulb goes off and boom you realize you are gay.
Maybe that is how it is for other people, but for me that is definitely not how it was for me. It is really hard to explain exactly how you know. The best way I can explain it is that it happened for me over time. Very slowly.
I think deep down, I always had a feeling that I was different. I felt different, but I didn’t know what that meant. When I look back to the people that I was attracted to or who I always wanted to spend time with, they were all women. Let’s be honest, I could list off just a few of the women that I was obsessed with like Kristy McNichol” or Stephanie Powers, but that list would be huge. LOL!
I did my best to try to follow my heart and always spend time with the people that allowed me to be whoever I was. When you are a kid, you don’t even know what being gay means. All you know is that you like who you like. If you are friends with someone, it doesn’t matter if they are a boy or a girl. You just know you like them.
For me, I always fell for people that were my friend, far before there was anything else. I think the first time that I really knew that I could be in love with a girl, was with my best friend Patti. She was so much fun, cute, athletic and always made me laugh. We literally spent every moment together.
We met playing on the same broom ball team. Travelling around playing broom ball and having fun, was all that it started out as. I remember thinking that I had feelings for her, that I had never felt for a real live girl for. All I kept thinking of was how I wanted to kiss her all the time. Once I finally admitted to myself, that I had those feelings for her, I kept it hidden, for what I thought was an eternity. I truly think realizing that you have those type of feelings for another woman takes awhile to process.
First girl kiss
Once I realized that I had romantic feelings for Patti, that honestly was an amazing feeling, but at the same time, it was one I had never dealt with before. I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I mean I didn’t want to ruin my friendship over unreciprocated feelings. So I have to say it took awhile for me to do anything about my feelings.
Finally, after a night of drinking, (liquid courage), I decided that I was going to make a move and put myself out there. God I remember the butterflies in my stomach. I was so nervous. Everybody knows how crushing it can be to be shot down. I think this was going to be 10,000 times that if I was wrong in my thinking that she also had feelings for me. This was the first time that I was actually going to kiss a girl,
Well I kissed her and all I can say is wow. How do you know if your gay or not…..just kiss someone of the same sex as you and you will know. That feeling is not something that you kind of go, yeah maybe I am. NOPE it is so not that! I still remember it more than 25 years ago. You often hear that saying, that once you kiss a girl, there is no going back. Well for me, that was completely true.
Being in the closet
OK, so now I absolutely know for sure that I am a lesbian, and that all of those thoughts and feelings were real. Now what? This was an extremely difficult stage of the so called “Coming Out” set of phases.
At the time, you don’t think of it that way. All you know is that you are feeling wonderful and like a big weight has been lifted off. That feeling that you can’t wait to tell everybody, only…..nope you can’t tell anyone. Everybody knows the feeling of wanting to share good news with your friends and family. Sharing your joy is a wonderful natural thing to do.
Unfortunately when you are in the closet and hiding who you are and who you love that is just not possible. Not being able to be honest and truthful is simply due to the sheer fear that everyone that loves you and everyone that is your currently your friend will no longer associate with you. That to me was the most difficult part and I had trouble coming to terms with it.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I am social and always love to be surrounded by my friends. Those characteristics and living in the closet, is a very hard thing to do. I hated being in the closet. The explanations, the lies about dating, the pretending to be interested in men. All of that is a hard balancing act. Although I hated dealing with all of that, the fear was almost paralyzing. It honestly took me years to tell any close to me that Patti and I were actually a couple, not just friends. Even though we already lived together at that point, nobody thought anything of 2 friends living together.
Fast forward and I mean a slow forward. LOL! Actually 3 or 4 years, and I just couldn’t hide it anymore.
Getting out of the closet
I got to a point where I just couldn’t hide my life anymore. Keeping that inside, is completely toxic. I was scared to death. It started out by telling a few friends, and then a few more. Surprisingly all of my friends were absolutely wonderful and didn’t care at all.
Telling my parents, that was one of the last hurdles in coming out for me. Also, one of the hardest to actually do. Deep down, I was worried that my parents would hate me and not love me anymore.
In my family, there was no other gay relatives that I was aware of, so I didn’t even know if my parents have been around any gay people.
I finally got the courage to tell them and so I sat them down. We talked for a few hours and I walked out of there at least feeling that I could live my life. I could finally be myself with everyone that I love.
No matter who I needed to tell in my life, it was difficult each and every time I did it. Still seems to be such a weird thing to have to tell everyone that you know who you are sleeping with. SO ODD!
Telling this story and talking about my own life, is the entire reason I started this blog website. I want to share my story in hopes that any girl that is struggling to understand their own feelings know they are not alone.
That no matter who accepts them or who doesn’t, that living in your own truth and telling your story it the only way to really be free. Keeping things a secret just eats away at your insides.
I know for me, once I was able to come to terms with who I was in my own head, and I could actually say the words out loud, I was so much happier.
I am with my forever partner Roxanne now and we have been together for over 17 years. Living my life as a Lesbian, is not always easy and sadly we are still not treated the same all the time, but it sure has come a long way since the early 90s.
My hopes and dreams of being treated equal are still alive and although not everyone is cool with me being a Lesbian, I am and that is the only person I care about.
I hoped that you enjoyed me telling my true lesbian story. I would love to hear your own experiences and stories below.